Today I fell out of my kayak—intentionally.
On this day in 2022, I went for a swim in a lake for the first time since I was 19. That was the first time since I was 26 that I’d been fully submerged in any water other than a shower or bathtub. Even then, I only put my head under briefly to swim.
Today, June 9, 2024, in a class specifically for learning how to roll and right my craft, I deliberately flipped my kayak, Sofie, upside down, and calmly (yes, calmly, almost meditatively) went through the simple steps to do a “wet exit” from my boat.
I came up happy. Joyous even. How odd.
I’d expected to panic. I’d expected to flip, and forget the simple steps: lean forward, hug the boat, slap the bottom of the kayak, run my hands up and down it, (to alert others to my need/presence), then pull my spray skirt off from front to back, lean backward and swim out—all done upside down and under water.
I’d expected to feel my heart race, forget a step, or come up too quickly and crack my head on the boat—anything but get it completely correct.
Instead, each time (I rolled this way twice more) I came up elated and with a deep calm I have only ever felt while floating and paddling on the water. Each time felt like it was something I’d done all my life.
And as I write that, I remember that for the first third of my life, I did! I remember the girl who, until she was 19, dove into pools and lakes without fear and did somersaults and flips under water in challenges with her sister or her friends. I remember little me, diving to the bottom of the deep end to fold my legs and hold my breath as long as I could. I remember countless hours in this place, Lake Whitney, Tx, swimming in the King Creek Lodge pool until I was beet red and Momma sucked her teeth and shook her head as she smeared aloe on my cheeks. I remember that joyful child and know a piece of her has been restored, finally, after forty-one years.
I fight tears now as I recall it not because the emotion of the moment was so intense but because, yet again, I have conquered a ghost from the past. Yet again, a part of me that was stolen and stashed away because it offended him, has been returned to me, by me. (And with the help of Combat Kayak)
I did something that should have been, at the very least, anxiety inducing, because I was not allowed to do it for thirty years and not only did I do so successfully, but I did so without fear.
I still have work to do to be able to actually roll and get Sofie and me upright without having to exit her, for I tired quickly. But I have conquered a fear I knew I had to conquer as long as I was in a water craft: being upside down in water and in need of rescue.
And the tears flow like Texas rain now, but they are joyful tears.
Last Updated on June 10, 2024 by Lee Ellis
